


The Fall

by sansss_starkk



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cheating, Daddy Issues, Developing Relationship, Dubious Ethics, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jon Snow is Not a Stark, Modern AU, Mommy Issues, OOC, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Sansa-centric, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Triggers, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Verbal Abuse, WIP, age gap, dark themes, toxic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28584573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansss_starkk/pseuds/sansss_starkk
Summary: When Sansa pictured falling in love for the first time she did not imagine it would be with someone who slept with her mother first! But the heart wants what it wants.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Sansa Stark, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 55
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please refer to the tags of this fic.

When Sansa Stark was just sixteen years old, she would unknowingly meet the love of her life. The said place of their unorthodox meeting was in her bathroom at six in the morning when she woke up to get ready for school only to find a strange man stepping out of her shower clad in only a towel. The series of events that followed were a blur, but it mostly went like this. Sansa screaming bloody murder, loud enough for neighbors to later call Catelyn and ask if everything was alright, Robb rushing in immedietly clad in his boxers, only to tackle said intruder to the ground and pin him down while the rest of their siblings rushed in to see what was the matter. Catelyn was the last to arrive, only by 20 seconds since Robb’s entrance, with her robe hastily tied around her. All the chaos was dispelled however when Catelyn revealed that the man was not a murderer that broke in to shower then kill them all but was instead her boyfriend, Jon.

Jon apparently was a twenty-one year old construction worker. One day he paid for Catelyn’s meal when she forgot her purse in the office building next to Jon’s work site. It was kismet, a word Sansa had never heard her mother use before and instantly disliked, which was odd, because out of all the Starks, Sansa had been the one to believe in fate the most. Of course that had all changed when her father died in a freak car accident seven years prior.

Sansa had been only eight years old when her father passed. Robb had been nine, Arya five, Bran three, and baby Rickon only a few months old. At that point, Catelyn had just been the tender age of twenty-five. Ned, Sansa’s father, and her mother Catelyn had been high school sweethearts and had started their family extremely young. Catelyn had been only sixteen years old herself when she had had Robb. When Sansa’s Grandpa Tully, Catelyn's father, had learned of the pregnancy he cut ties with his daughter and kicked her out. Thankfully Sansa’s Grandpa Rickard, her dad’s dad took them in. Not even a full year after Robb was born, along came Sansa herself. 

Eventually they were able to move out and buy a home for themselves, with a little help from Sansa’s grandfather, of course. It wasn’t anything as big and grand as the Stark family estate, but it was theirs and it had been so full of light and love, until it wasn’t.

It had taken Sansa’s mother the better part of five years to come to terms with her husband's death. Sansa’s Aunt Lyanna, her father’s sister, even moved in for a time to help with them and the household while Catelyn was stuck in a deep depression that she treated with copious amounts of alcohol. It was a dark time, and still very fresh in hers and Robb’s minds as they were the oldest to witness it and understand what was happening. 

Sansa isn’t sure what changed, just that one day her Grandpa and Grandma Stark had shown up along with her Uncles Brandon and Benjen. They had holed up in Catelyn’s room for what felt like hours until they had all come out and left just as suddenly. Catelyn had made it out of the room too and began to cook dinner for her kids as if it was something she had done everyday for the past five years, and not Robb or Sansa scrambling together what they could or calling takeout for themselves and their siblings. 

Three years later, things were better between them all, but Sansa would be lying if she said she had a fantastic relationship with their mother. She still harbored a hard and dark part of resentment toward her for seemingly leaving them to raise themselves for those few years. 

But in all that time, there had been no other man in their house besides their grandfather or uncles, not until Jon. 

There was something hard to swallow about this man's sudden appearance, especially for Sansa. For one, he was younger than their mother, which meant he was only a few years older than she and Robb. For another, he bore a striking resemblance to her now passed father. 

She had brought this up to Robb and Arya once, who maddeningly seemed to like Jon and accepted him with great ease into their lives. Robb had squinted in thought, most likely comparing the two in his head but did not seem to think so. Arya had rolled her eyes and said she was crazy. Sansa didn’t think so.

Shortly after Jon’s arrival into their lives, there was a dinner where Catelyn announced that Jon would be moving in. While everyone had stood up to congratulate the couple with cheers and hugs Sansa had choked on her drink before excusing herself to the bathroom. 

It was insane. The whole thing. How could their mother think this was a good idea? Did she even really know this guy? It was one thing to see him every other weekend for brief periods in passing, to suddenly have him sleeping, eating, and breathing in the same house.

Sansa had calmed herself in the bathroom as she had cleaned herself off and taken a few shaky breaths. It would be okay, she could get through this. She’d gone through worse.

When she opened the door to head back and plaster on a fake smile and give her congratulations, Jon had been on the other side apparently just about to try and enter the bathroom.

It was the first time since the shower incident a few months before that they had come face to face. Sansa’s cheeks flooded with color at the memory of his naked wet body. Why did they always awkwardly meet in bathrooms?

“Sorry.” he cast his eyes elsewhere avoiding her gaze. Perhaps he was thinking of their first meeting as well. She said nothing as she passed him and headed back into the dining room where everyone had dispersed except her mother who was sipping a glass of wine. She caught Sansa’s eye and sent her a timid smile. Sansa returned it and made her way over to sit next to her mother.

“So… what do you think?” her mother asked after a moment. Sansa sighed. What did she think? If she was honest she thought the whole thing was a joke and a mistake. Jon seemed nice enough. He got along great with her siblings, and he never seemed to push himself into a roll of a father figure, more like a family friend to them. He was respectful and kind and kept himself out of the way. But he made Sansa deeply uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t explain. He’d never outright done anything to make her feel so, but something in the way he looked at her sometimes made her skin itch and her thighs clench together. He was young and attractive after all, if not also a little boring and brooding. But her siblings loved him and apparently so did their mother, what could Sansa say other than-

“I think it’s great.”

Later that week after Jon had completely moved in he was mowing the backyard while everyone was doing their own thing. Robb in the basement playing video games with their brothers, Arya upstairs on her computer, Catelyn in the living room folding clothes and Sansa reading a book on the porch swing drinking tea.

If Sansa hadn’t been so immersed in her reading she would have realized the sound of the mower had stopped when she got up to use the bathroom. When she got upstairs to the bathroom she shared with Arya she heard the shower running and tried the door, it was locked. Sansa huffed now feeling she really had to go. She rushed to the next closest bathroom, her mother’s. The shower was also running there, but the door was cracked. Sansa made her way in thinking nothing of it, she used the bathroom like this countless times before while her mother showered, except it wasn’t her mother in the shower at all.

Sansa’s eyes widened to an abnormally large size when she realized it was Jon in the shower, moaning and pulling at himself behind the glass door. Her jaw dropped and heart pounding, she meant to make her way out as quietly as she could but she misjudged her steps, banged into the door and quickly looked to make sure Jon hadn’t heard her only to see his eyes locked on hers as his mouth opened in shock and pleasure as his orgasm overcame him. As he closed his eyes to ride out his satisfaction Sansa rushed out of the room, Jon calling after her.

Later that evening, after an awkward dinner, Sansa was in bed, her mind fixated on the way Jon’s face had changed as he came. The way his eyebrows drew together, the shape of his mouth, the moan that escaped his lips. She closed her eyes and imagined him above her, moving inside her, the grunts and moans he made earlier, making them again but for her. Sansa moved her fingers beneath her underwear faster and faster, her mouth opening in a silent scream, the image of Jon looking at her as he came burned into her mind.

————————————

It was hard being around Jon after. Sansa avoided him as much as she could considering they all lived under one roof. Sansa wasn’t outwardly rude to him. She passed the salt at dinner, said excuse me if he was in the way of her moving through the house, but she supposed looking back it was tinged with a tiny bit of hostility. Arya was the first to bring it up just before their mother’s birthday. 

“Why do you hate Jon?” Arya asked at random as Sansa was applying her makeup before school. Sansa dropped her brush with a clatter and stilled her hand before picking it up and continuing her makeup as if nothing had happened.

“Why do you think that?” Arya rolled her eyes.

“It’s obvious you do. You always leave the room when he comes in. You never join us for movie night or game night. You’ve missed half the dinners they take us out to, and when you do go you hardly talk at all.” Sansa closed her eyes briefly. She should have realized someone would notice her hesitance around Jon eventually. At least it was being construed as her not liking Jon when in fact it was the exact opposite.

Sansa actually liked Jon very much. His quiet presence, his kind eyes, his gentle demeanor. He treated their mother with respect and cared for them all. During the past few months he’d managed to create a strong bond with all of Sansa’s siblings. He practiced whatever sports Robb was into at the time. He took Arya to all her practices and encouraged her to try out for clubs at school that were predominantly full of boys. Jon went to Bran’s chess meets and cheered him on in decathlon tournaments out of town. He also was at all of Rickon’s soccer and baseball practices. Sansa wondered if she was in any type of extracurricular if Jon would show up and support her. 

She worried her lip for a moment trying to decide how best to approach her conversation with Arya.

“It’s not as if Jon has made an attempt to get to know me either.” yes, going on the defense was the best approach she could do for now. Arya huffed in exasperation.

“Because you don’t give him a chance!” she stormed away and Sansa deflated. God, why did her mother have to pick someone like Jon Snow to come into their lives. Why couldn’t she date someone closer to her age, or even older. She knew her friend Myrcella’s Uncle Jaime had a thing for her mother. He often asked about her and when Sansa had mentioned this to her mom Catelyn’s cheeks had been tinged pink but she didn’t seem anything more than mildly flattered.

That had been years ago though and Sansa doubted her mother would ever be interested in Jaime Lannister again after the weird gossip that had been going around lately that included his twin sister, Myrcella’s mother. 

That evening Sansa was in the kitchen helping her mother clean up after dinner. Their silence had been comfortable until she heard her mother clear her throat and somehow she knew something was coming.

“So I was thinking maybe you and Jon could go get breakfast for everyone tomorrow.” Sansa’s hands shook slightly as she continued drying her dish. She could either fight her mother on this, or just agree and be done with it. The seconds it took to deliberate felt far longer than they actually were. 

“Sure, whatever.” she answered in what she hoped was with casual indifference. Catelyn sighed.

“Sweetheart, is there something about Jon that you don’t… I don’t know… like?” Sansa swallowed.

“No.” she shrugged evasively. Catelyn sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Sansa knew she usually did this when she was feeling any sort of extreme emotion whether it was anger, or sadness, even happiness. Sansa wondered what she was feeling right now but didn’t have the courage to ask.

“I just think you need to put in a little more effort with him.” Sansa looked at her mother incredulously. No, more time with Jon was out of the question.

“I-I don’t think that’s a good idea, mom.” Catelyn drew in a breath and Sansa held hers waiting for the wrath of Catelyn Stark to come down upon her but instead her mother held out her arms and as if drawn by a magnet, Sansa fell into them. 

“I know you’re trying your best, and I see that, I just hope someday you two can have the same relationship he has with Arya and the boys. He really is wonderful.” Sansa sighed heavily and nuzzled into her mother’s shoulder. These hugs were so rare to come by these days. She closed her eyes and breathed in her mothers scent while images of her happy childhood filled her head, the one’s when her family had been whole and not broken. Her mother still smelled the same, but her perfume was different now, a gift from Jon, Sansa supposed. And then images of Jon began to take the place of what she had been imagining. His jaw, his lips, his body, his laugh, his eyes. The image of him cumming. Sansa pulled away and gave a small smile to her mom.

“So what do you want for breakfast tomorrow?” she asked.

True to her word, Sansa did go and get breakfast with Jon the following morning. Their conversation had been awkward and stilted, but it was fine as long as Sansa didn’t think about him naked and didn’t wonder if he was thinking about Sansa thinking about him being naked. God, what a mess.

Eventually, they made it back in one piece and the smile on her mother’s face was worth the awkward 30 minutes it took to get everyone’s meals.

After that, Sansa stopped avoiding Jon so much. She went to dinner, allowed him to drive her to school and pick her up. Eventually Saturday mornings were kind of their thing where they got up before everyone and picked up breakfast. 

They talked about the family, her school, his work, art, music, and books. Sansa found out that Jon was actually funny sometimes and could actually laugh. Her belly would grow warm at his smile and the way his eyes shined when he looked at her, but she knew it meant nothing. He saw her as a kid still, even though she was almost seventeen. 

Her mother was happy to say the least that Jon was finally fitting in so well with the family. Their relationship seemed to be a great one, but not all of it was perfect. At school Sansa and Robb had to deal with the jokes and teasing that their mom was a sugar mama. Catelyn had been called in more than once for fights Robb had started in her defense. One time he was even suspended because of the vile things Joffrey Baratheon was spreading around. Robb had pummeled him so bad, he had needed stitches. 

Her mother had been so furious, and maybe a little embarrassed as well. She didn’t know what to say to Robb when she had brought him home, she had simply locked herself in her room and Robb had gone to him. Later, Sansa had resolved to talk to Robb and found Jon had beat her to it. The two were sharing a beer at the kitchen table. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop but couldn’t help it when her name came up.

“I know it was stupid, but then he started to talk about Sansa and I couldn’t take it anymore.” Robb said before taking a drink of his beer. 

“What did he say?” Jon asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it..” Robb muttered looking down into his beer bottle. Jon clenched his jaw but pressed on.

“It must have been bad for you to almost put him in the hospital. What did he say?” Robb shook his head and sighed.

“Just stupid shit, stuff that would never happen, but it pissed me off.” He looked at Jon who raised his brows to indicate for him to go on. “He said you’re just with my mom for her money but behind closed doors you and Sansa are really the ones getting it on.” Sansa felt her face instantly flush and saw the tips of Jon’s ears go pink.

“In that case, you should have put him in the hospital.” Robb laughed without humor, while Jon let a dark expression Sansa had never seen on him before cloud his features.. 

“You don’t think of Sansa like that though, right?” Jons face instantly changed, he looked horrified.

“What? Robb, of course not. She’s Cat’s daughter, your sister… she’s-she’s just a kid.” Robb nodded, satisfied and began going into detail of when exactly Joffrey started to cry.

Sansa had left back to her room feeling… conflicted. She knew Jon was a good man, a good person, and good people shouldn’t think of girls her age as desirable. But then a different part of her, a darker part, felt upset that he didn’t think of her in that way. It bothered her more than she would ever admit.

The day of her seventeenth birthday changed everything. The morning was bright and beautiful. Robb was finally back at school after serving his suspension. Joffrey had also transferred schools during Robbs deterement which was a gift in and of itself. Because he was off the hook and served his time, he was able to get his car back and drove himself and Sansa to school again. 

Once there Sansa was surprised to find her locker decorated for her birthday by her closest friends. Her old crush, Harry Hardying also gifted her a huge teddy bear with balloons. It was over the top but she appreciated the gesture. To top it all off, her birthday had also happened to fall on a Friday. 

Her mother and Jon had taken the day off work unbeknownst to her and decorated the house and backyard for her surprise party.

Sansa’s mom had also invited family and family friends so there was quite a bit of alcohol going around for the adults present. It made Sansa nervous whenever her mom was around alcohol but Robb calmed her down and told her a few drinks would be fine, he promised and even coaxed Sansa into having one or two of her own. She allowed him this moment of peer pressure before he made her laugh. They all gathered around her after it grew dark and Jon brought out her birthday cake with the number 17 sparkling brightly on top. She felt warm and loved as everyone sang for her until she realized her mom and Jon’s strained smiles. 

It wasn’t the first time she had noticed their glum faces and dull eyes.

Ever since the fight that Robb had had at school, there seemed to have been a shift in their relationship. Catelyn had been staying later and later at work, and Jon had been home more and more picking up the slack. He was constantly with them, cooking for them, taking them to their appointments. He often was mistaken for their sibling, and sometimes for the younger kids dad. The first time it had happened had been really awkward.

She and Jon had taken Rickon to the mall for new shoes. Sansa had gone along for some clothes and when they had finished they had sat down at the food court for some lunch. The woman who brought out their food commented on how they were a cute family and how Rickon looked just like his mom and dad. Rickon had snorted and corrected her bluntly.

“They’re not my parents. She’s my sister and he’s my mom’s boyfriend.” the server had looked horrified and apologized before scrambling away. Sansa couldn’t quite meet Jon’s eyes the rest of the meal. When they were leaving Sansa scolded Rickon for running ahead into the parking lot, and Jon had playfully told him to listen to his mother. She’d looked at Jon then and couldn’t help but laugh, the tension between them melting away, but not completely, never completely. 

While Jon was busy pretty much running the household with Robb and Sansa’s help, Catefyn was taking dinners with clients and staying overnight in different cities for business trips. Sansa had heard Jon and her arguing behind their bedroom door that he wasn’t a babysitter and for her to stop treating him like a child instead of a man. Catelyn would then yell back that she would treat him that way when he stopped acting like a whiny teenage boy and on and on it went. 

Eventually they would make up, but it wasn’t long again before they would argue again.

Now it was the night of her birthday and Catelyn had been called away for work. She kissed Sansa cooly on the cheek and said she’d make it up to her for a girls day soon. Sansa cringed when she smelled the alcohol on her mothers breath but agreed before watching her mother leave without saying goodbye to Jon.

By nine, Sansa’s extended family and friends of her mother had gone and all that was left were her’s and Robb’s school friends. Sansa had snuck some more spiked punch and was feeling quite light and tingly around midnight when everyone had gone and all that was left was a mess to pick up. Robb was passed out on his bed, Arya was sleeping over at a friends house and the two youngest had left with their Uncle Benjen for the night.

Sansa came down from her bathroom upstairs feeling warm and light when she found Jon alone in the semi-dark seated on their couch. She hesitated a moment before making her way over and sitting right next to him with only the glow of the TV lighting up the room. 

He drank from his glass in silence, Sansa watched his throat work in the dim light as he swallowed the liquid.

“You and mom aren’t going to break up are you?” she asked suddenly before she had even quite formed the question. Jon signed and tipped his head back with his eyes closed.

“I don’t know… maybe.” Sansa swallowed the lump forming in her throat. In her slightly drunken state, she was well aware of everything going on, but it all felt a little tilted and fuzzy.

“Where would you go?” she wondered out loud. Jon smiled.

“I have a place.” Sansa raised a brow.

“Really? But you’re always here.. You moved in with us.” Jon smiled.

“Yeah my dad died a few years ago, he left me a cabin.” Sansa processed his words.

“I didn’t know you had a house.” he took another drink from his glass.

“You never asked.” He turned towards her then finally, and his throat worked even though he hadn’t drank anything. She wondered what else she didn’t know about Jon. Did he have brothers or sisters? Did he talk to his mother? Did any of them know he was playing house with an older woman and her five kids?

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” his warm breath spread across her face and she smelled the bourbon in it.Their faces were so close she realized with a pang of longing.

“Here, I’ve got something for you.” he lifted his head and brought out a gift he had next to him that Sansa had not noticed. It was a small jewelry box and when she opened it she found a delicate chain with a little dragonfly charm on it. Her eyes teared up.

“It’s beautiful.” she whispered. She took the box from him gently and examined it closely.

“Happy birthday, Sans.” she turned her head to thank him and found his face so much closer to her than she thought he would be. His eyes were hooded, and the look in them was dark and heavy and maybe a little dangerous and suddenly she realized how much she wanted to kiss him, how much she had been wanting to kiss him for weeks and weeks, maybe since the first time they met. So she did.

Sansa barely had to move her head before her lips were on his. His were soft and his breath was warm. She felt it fan her face as he exhaled sharply. For a moment she thought he would pull back but instead he surged forward, his right hand coming up to cup her left cheek, deepening their kiss. She felt like she was falling from a great height. Whether it was the alcohol or Jon that was making her feel like this, she did not know, all she knew was that it felt amazing.

Their lips molded and formed to each other as they began to work them, their mouths opening at nearly the same time. 

It was hot, the hottest kiss she had ever had. Her whole body felt flush and warm. She had felt itchy and odd everytime she was around Jon for so long and now she realized why that was. There was a heat within her waiting to escape, a heat she had suppressed. It exploded out of her and she felt herself pull him closer by his shirt. She wanted to feel him and touch him, this body she had seen too many times by accident and then in her dreams. 

She moaned into his mouth at the way he held her tight and fast and in return he moaned back in pleasure. She took his hand from her cheek and pulled it down to her chest so he could feel her breast, and then all the warmth and heat was replaced by cool air. The sting of it was like her body finally hitting the ground.

Sansa opened her eyes lazily and found Jon standing before her, a hand on his mouth, the same one that had been on her a moment ago.

“I-I.. we can’t.. I’m sorry I gotta… I’m sorry-” in a flash Jon was in the kitchen grabbing his keys, out the door, and it wasn’t until Sansa heard the roar of his truck come to life that she finally processed what had happened.

The weeks after Sansa’s birthday passed in a blur. Catelyn was distraught at Jons absence and what she felt was a looming break up. 

“He refuses to talk to me! I’ve gone to his work, I’ve left him so many messages and texts and he won’t reply!” she wailed to Sansa one evening over tea. Sansa had no idea what to do when she had walked in on her mom crying as she stared at her phone waiting for Jon to call or text her back so she made some hot tea like they do in the movies just to have something to do. Normally, she would have left her mom to sulk, but part of her was feeling guilty for Jon’s absence she supposed. 

“You were kind of a bitch to him for a while though.” muttered Arya from her perch on the kitchen island. Sansa shot her a warning look to which she shrugged.

“Oh God, I know. I know, I was so terrible. I should have just talked to him but I was so angry at him for nothing.” she shook her head in shame and Sansa rubbed her back awkwardly.

“Why were you so upset with him?” Sansa asked. Catelyn sighed and took a sip of tea to calm down.

“It’s so embarrassing, but-” she glanced at Sansa guiltily,”there had been rumours about why Jon really was living with us and that he was getting more from me than just my money but you know-” her cheeks burned red just the way Sansa’s did, before she could say anything Arya yelled out in disgust.

“Ewww mom! That is so gross! How could you even think he would do that to you or us! He’s not a pervert.” Catelyn sighed. 

“I know! I know that but I was so caught up in what other people were saying, I just let it get to me even though I knew nothing was going on-” Sansa took a sip of her tea in lieu of saying anything at all.

“-and now that I’ve realized how ridiculous I’ve been he refuses to talk to me.” Sansa caught Arya’s eye and for a moment saw blame in her sister’s eyes and then the moment was gone and Arya was leaving the kitchen to her room.

Eventually it is Sansa who gets a hold of Jon.

It takes some snooping before she gets the address to Jon’s cabin and borrows her mom’s car under the guise of going out with her friends when she finds herself in the middle of nowhere.

She’s about to freak out and back out of her plan until the trees open up and she finds herself with a view of a beautiful house that she realizes is Jon’s cabin. She parks her mom's car next to Jon’s truck and marvels at the home in question. In her mind, she had pictured a small one bedroom hut and instead was met with this beautiful home. 

In a daze Sansa makes her way to the front door. 

Jon appears and takes her in with his eyes, those dark beautiful eyes. For a moment he looks stunned, his expression open and hopeful almost before he blinks and it seems like a wall comes up and blocks off everything.

“Sansa? What are you doing here?” Sansa clears her throat and brings her hands up in front of her, playing with them as something to do as she speaks.

“I just… you haven’t been home. No one’s heard from you in days..” they are silent as her words dance in the air between them. Jon clears his throat.

“I’m sorry about that.. I actually just got off the phone with your mom.” Sansa visibly wilts before him and his eyes work over her with what she thinks is concern. She wonders what he thinks of her coming here like this. What he sees when he looks at her now because all she can see is his face before she kissed him, playing like a loop in her head everyday. 

“Oh.. well that's great. Umm.. does that mean you’re-” he shakes his head.

“No.. we are… we’re going to meet for coffee tomorrow, but it’s.. It’s over between us.” she knows he means between himself and her mother but the way he says it makes it sound like he means it’s over between them as well. Not like there was much to begin with, but there had been something, there is something.

“I see…” the air is thick between them. The lines have been blurred irrevocably and she wishes she could break through them completely, to ask him what she wants to, to talk to him open and freely, but she can’t seem to open her mouth.

“I’m sorry.” he says and Sansa takes a step back until she finds herself resting on the railing to the porch steps.

“What for?” she all but whispers. Jon looks at her knowingly. He knows she knows what he’s sorry for, but she wishes he wasn't even though she knows he is supposed to be, that this is the correct response. Her stomach is in knots as he continues.

“You were drunk, and I.. it was wrong.. I took advantage of you..” Sansa nods, a lump in her throat, tears in her eyes. She knows he must feel awful, it must look awful in his eyes, but he doesn’t know that she had picked her birthday outfit with him in mind, doesn’t know she had worn the perfume he had given her mother in hopes to entice him. He doesn’t know the thoughts she had had of him for weeks as she touched herself pretending it was him instead. 

It was a fantasy, a dumb and reckless one. She doesn’t know what she imagined would happen, but she had pushed away all unhappy endings for the ones she wished would happen instead.

“I can’t be with your mom after what happened. It’s too.. What I did to you was a-” she shakes her head, she can’t bear to hear their kiss called a mistake even though she knows it was.

“I get it.. No need to say more.. It never happened.” He nodded, his jaw muscle ticking. Sansa opened her mouth to say more, thought better of it and turned and left, looking back not once, not even as she got in the car did she look up knowing if she did, she would break down right then and there. 

It would be five years before she sees Jon again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the only one writing and editing this fic so there will be errors. Don't come for me please! <3
> 
> Character Ages Chapter One  
> Catelyn - 33  
> Jon - 21  
> Robb - 18  
> Sansa - 16  
> Arya - 13  
> Bran - 11  
> Rickon - 8


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter happens over the course of a few years.

Time is a funny thing. The days feel like years and the years can feel like days. 

After Jon and her mom broke things off for good, her mom seemed to regress into the woman she had been after their father died. She was reclusive, cold, and always busy. She was there, but only to pay the bills and put food on the table. If Arya needed help with homework, Robb stepped in. If the boys had a question about the girls they liked, Sansa had an open ear and as much advice as she could muster for an eighteen year old.

Catelyn had also relapsed hard. Sansa was constantly picking up empty wine and liquor bottles. She and Robb tried their hardest to hide it from their siblings, but she knew it wasn’t a secret, it was just something they didn’t talk about. 

Despite the turmoil at home, Sansa did well in school and tried to get on with life outside of her home. She ended up going to prom with Harry Hardying and losing her virginity to him in his car. Very high school, very cliche, but she thought she had earned some teen normalcy in her life, no matter how contrived. 

After they graduated they tried to do long distance for a semester as he had left the state for university and Sansa stayed to help Robb with their siblings, but they called it off mutually before Thanksgiving break.

Robb himself was in his second year of college while juggling a full-time job, helping Sansa with the kids, and dating. He also stayed in town to attend college while most of his classmates and friends moved on to different schools across the state and country, a luxury they didn’t have. Their obligation to their siblings was too heavy to let them leave knowing what they would be subjected to if they were gone. 

On some level, Sansa knew no matter how much Robb and her were there for their siblings, nothing could replace the presence of their parents, but they tried.

There were days she screamed in her car at the injustice of it all. It should be her mother taking Arya to the doctor for her check ups. It should be their mother fielding questions from the school about missing assignments and skipping school. Not her, not Robb.

Sometimes she remembers Jon doing all this and her heart throbs painfully that even then, their mother was still being neglectful and pushing her responsibilities onto someone else. 

It’s not until Arya finds herself sixteen and pregnant from her longtime boyfriend Gendry that things come to a head.

Catelyn is furious at Arya for her carelessness. There’s yelling and screaming, and Sansa can’t bear it when Catelyn rounds on her.

“How could you let this happen, Sansa!” Sansa is shocked and confused at the audacity of her mother.

“How could I? Oh my god! Do you even hear yourself right now?! You’re her mother, and you didn’t even know Arya had a boyfriend until today.” Catelyn is red with fury.

“I have been sacrificing my life for you kids! This house, the food in the fridge, the clothes on your back! Do you think they all magically appear out of nowhere?!” Sansa shakes her head.

“You are literally doing the bare minimum, you get that, right? When was the last time you actually sat down to talk to them, to any of us? You have no idea that Robb is about to graduate, that Arya advanced to regionals in fencing, that Bran won his last chess competition, that Rickon is actually passing all his classes. Do you even know that Bran needed fillings? Or that Rickon was sick with the flu?” Sansa’s voice is shaking as lists off all her mothers neglect, Catelyn’s eyes filled with angry tears. 

“You’ve been checked out of this family for years. Robb and I have been keeping it together while you’ve been working, and drinking, and fucking every guy you come across,” the slap comes out of nowhere and Sansa’s cheek burns. She sees Arya looking at her stunned, eyes glassy. She spots Bran and Rickon out of the corner of her eye on the landing of the stairs watching it all unfold.

Sansa says nothing, she turns and grabs Arya’s arm and motions for the boys to follow her. They pile into her car and she drives them to their Aunt Lyanna’s house.

Lyanna ushers them in, taking in Sansa’s appearance before pulling her into a hug.

They stay there the weekend and when Sansa goes back to the house to pack bags for her siblings she finds the place a wreck. Dirty dishes, empty alcohol bottles, laundry piled high and her mother passed out in her room, a random guy in the bed with her. Sansa is disgusted, ashamed and sad that this is what her siblings have been subjected to possibly when she hasn’t been around. Is this what it’s been like when she’s allowed herself a break? Has her mother really been this bad while she’s been off at school or crashing at Robb’s for a night? Her stomach rolls with anxiety and shame. She resolves to get her siblings out then and there.

It’s Sansa, their Aunt Lyanna, and Arya’s boyfriend Gendry that go with Arya to the clinic where she has her abortion a few weeks later. Arya isn’t ready to be a mother, and Sansa is secretly relieved of her decision. She doesn’t know if she can help care for another life, not when her siblings still need her so much that she can barely take care of herself.

The burden on her lifts however when officially yet unofficially the kids move in with their Aunt. It feels like a huge weight comes off and Sansa begins to actually enjoy her life. It's hard to adjust at first. She still tries to manage the kids schedules and appointments until she realizes her aunt has taken care of everything and Sansa is regulated to being just their big sister again. But old habits die hard.

She doesn’t leave town, even though the program she wishes to be a part of is hours away at a different school, she can’t leave. Whether it's her making an excuse because she’s afraid or if she can’t actually leave in case they need her, she doesn’t examine it further.

So she stays and moves in with Robb who needs help paying rent after his roommate moves out. It’s a little weird at first, but Sansa adjusts to the parade of girls she sees in the mornings before work or class. She makes them coffee and walks them out. Robb smiles sheepishly after they leave and Sansa rolls her eyes in exasperation.

One evening it’s just them watching TV, studying, and eating pizza when Robb leaves the room and his phone lights up. Sansa glances at it and sees the name. Jon. Her heart stutters.

When Robb returns she can’t contain herself.

“You still talk to Jon?” She asks casually, her head bent over her notes. Robb nods.

“Yeah, he comes over to watch the game sometimes.” Sansa startles. She’s been living with Robb for months and hasn’t heard of this at all.

“Is that weird for you?” he asks cautiously. Sansa snorts, laying the casualness on a little too thickly.

“What? Why would that be weird.” Robb shrugs.

“I don’t know, I just always thought you didn’t like him and maybe it would be uncomfortable for you to see him.” Sansa shakes her head.

“That’s crazy, I liked Jon just fine. He was… cool.” she says lamely. Robb nods.

“Yeah, we’ve kept in touch.. You know he has a cabin on the outside of town right?” Sansa shakes her head.

“No, I had no idea.” she says as she pretends to read from her textbook.

“He just invited me to see the game over there this weekend. Do you want to come with me? I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.” Sansa shrugs. 

“Yeah.. it’ll be good to see him.” Robb nods before texting Jon. Sansa swallows thickly. Later that evening she wonders what the hell she just agreed to.

She deliberates for a while if she should cancel going to Jon’s. She knows she can make up literally anything and Robb wouldn't question her. Hell, she could even say she just simply changed her mind and he would be cool with it, but she never manages to cancel and finds herself listening to Robb go on and on about what Jon’s been up to the past five years. 

Apparently they hadn’t been in touch the first couple of years after the break up between him and their mom and with everything going on, Robb hadn’t even thought about reaching out to him at all. They had met up by chance at a party Robb had gone to with one of his girlfriends. At the time she was friends with a girl Jon was seeing who was also at the party. The two had been shocked to see each other but then spent the rest of the evening catching up. Eventually Robb had ended his relationship but apparently Jon was still with the girl he had been seeing at the time, a girl named Ygritte who now lived with him. 

Sansa hoped to God this girl wasn’t joining them that evening. It was going to be draining enough to see Jon again and pretending she was fine without adding anyone else to the mix. But she didn’t have to worry as it was just the three of them that night, and it had been draining indeed.

Seeing Jon again was indescribable. He looked good, older, but good. His hair was cut short now, no longer long and in a bun at the base of his neck. His beard was groomed well and his sense of style hadn’t changed much but was slightly more refined. 

When they hugged it was a quick side hug where they tapped each other's shoulders and released themselves from the so called embrace quickly. 

They spent the evening making small talk. Sansa talked about her classes, her friends, her siblings. Jon in turn talked about his new job, and his girlfriend who was having dinner with her family. 

When Jon and Robb were immersed in the game they had come to watch Sansa excused herself to the bathroom. She heard them hollering at the TV when she got out and decided to explore a little knowing she wouldn’t be missed. She found herself in a huge bedroom with bay windows overlooking the backyard. On the dresser was Jon’s wallet, spare change, some tags off a new shirt or pants, and a tube of lipstick. Sansa picked it up to check the color when she felt rather than heard someone behind her. Jon was leaning in the doorway watching her, an amused expression on his face. Sansa felt herself flush at being caught.

“Sorry, I was just.. Looking around.” she set down the tube quickly.

“It’s fine, I should have given you a tour earlier when you got here,” he said casually. Sansa shook her head.

“It’s fine.” they stood awkwardly together and the images, no matter how hard she tried to not let them, came forward to her mind, his face lit up by their old TV, his eyes heavily lidded before his lips met hers.

It had been five years since they kissed. Sansa was twenty-two now, about the age Jon had been when he had kissed her. She tries to imagine kissing someone five years younger than her and can’t, but she can easily picture kissing someone five years older than her now. Will that want ever leave her?

“I like your bed sheets-” she begins the same time Jon speaks, “Your hair is shorter-” He looks at her in amusement.

“You like my bed sheets?” he asks incredulously, walking over to his bed, still a distance from Sansa who’s cheeks grow hot.

“Yeah, they’re very… soft looking.” She rambles on, Jon laughs. “Where’re they from?” Jon shrugs, scratching the back of his neck thinking.

“I’m really not sure, Ygritte bought them. I’ll ask her if you want?” he offers, Sansa shakes her head.

“That’s okay.” they stand awkwardly together and Sansa wonders if Robb is wondering where they are.

“Better head back down.” she says gesturing towards the door and makes her way out.

They don’t spend another moment alone together the rest of the night and Sansa awkwardly gives him a high-five before leaving. Robb gives her a look at her odd choice of a goodbye but doesn’t bring it up.

Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if the kiss had never happened. Would Jon have come back? Would he still be with their mother? Did Sansa ruin everything with that kiss? The thought haunts her sometimes before she shoves it down and buries it deeper than before.

Other times she wonders what would have happened had they gone further. She had been young and inexperienced then, so it would have been awkward and probably painful, even in her addled state, but she has a feeling Jon would have taken his time and taken care of her to make sure she enjoyed it. She doesn’t know why she thinks he would have been like that in bed, but that’s all she can picture. Well, not all the time.

Some of her fantasies include a more dominant Jon. A Jon that lifts her up into his arms and fuc-

“Sansa!”

She startles and drops her spatula splattering bits of egg on the kitchen floor.

“Where’s your head?” Robb asks her. Sansa stoops down to pick up the utensil before cleaning it off and resuming her breakfast. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking about an exam I have later.” Robb rolls his eyes.

“Whatever, I just wanted to tell you I’m not going to be home tonight. I’m staying at Dacey’s.” Sansa smirks and Robb quirks a brow.

“What’s that face for?” Robb questions. Sansa smirks harder.

“Nothing, just make sure you wear protection.” her answer has Robb rolling his eyes.

“It’s not like that with Dacey, we’re just friends.” Sansa turns away but continues to smile. She knows Robb tries not to get attached, much the way she tries not to but she has a feeling that what Robb and Dacey have will triumph over his want to keep everyone at a distance. 

It’s with the knowledge that Robb will be gone all night that Sansa settles in for the evening to binge on Netflix and junk food. She’s two hours in and almost done with her Ben and Jerry’s carton when the doorbell rings. For a moment she stills and wonders who could be coming by so late. She checks her phone and sees its only 10:30 and groans. Normal kids her age were pregaming right now before going out, but she’d rather stay in like this any day.

The doorbell rings again and she sighs before heaving herself off the couch, her comforter wrapped around her. It was probably Robb stopping by.

She looks through the peephole and see’s Jon in the porch light. Her heart stutters and she gasps softly. What was he doing here? She takes a moment to assess the situation. She’s dressed in a black tank, no bra, and a pair of black cotton panties. Her hair is up in a messy bun and not a cute one, more Ms. Trunchbull than cute tumblr girl. Taking a breath she decides it doesn’t matter how she looks, Jon didn’t see her as anything more than Robb’s sister these days anyway. Before she loses her nerve she opens the door.

Jon’s eyes widened in surprise. It seems he was not expecting to see Sansa. She smiles awkwardly.

“Hey.” she says slowly and in an off pitched voice.

“Oh uh, hey Sans, sorry, I thought Robb would be-” he stumbles over his words. 

“Oh yeah… um, he’s with friends for the night. Did you text him or-?” she leaves the question open.

“Yeah, I did actually but he didn’t respond.” He stops and the two just stare. Sansa makes a face, a gesture for Jon to continue. He closes his eyes and shakes his head quickly, “He left his laptop at my house the other day.” He holds up the macbook and Sansa reaches out for it instinctively. Their fingers graze as she takes the device and heat shoots up her arm.

“Thank god. I’ve been having to rent one from the library because Robb kept forgetting to go pick it up.” Jon smiles.

“You could have come by to get it, you know.” Sansa looks up again. During the shuffle to get the laptop her comforter had slipped off to reveal half her body. Jon’s eyes caught the movement and then averted his gaze as her body was exposed to him suddenly. Sansa vividly remembered the times she had caught him naked in the past and almost wants to laugh at the fact that they’re always catching themselves in situations like this. 

“I’ll let Robb know you came by.” she said as she maneuvered her comforter back around her. Jon smiled, nodded and then turned to leave.

The rest of the night Sansa felt unbalanced at being alone with Jon. Her mind wandered as her show played in the background. Her thoughts wrapped up in Jon in her fantasies. She imagined she had invited him inside where the two cuddled up on the couch, his arms around her, fingers inside her, lips on her. God the things she wanted to do to him and him to her. After all this time, he still haunted her and she came to realize he probably always would. 

The holidays approached quickly and Sansa was grateful to be on winter break. Not only did she have a moment to breath after finals, but she also didn’t have to worry about her work-study job at the campus library for a few weeks. Her intentions were to spend as much time in bed as possible, but unfortunately she also had to feed herself.

Her Uncle Brandon had given her and her siblings Christmas gifts early this year as he was traveling with his wife for the holidays. Sansa’s had been various gift cards to stores and restaurants. Not feeling in the mood to cook she decided to put one to use and ordered from the Chinese restaurant she had one from. Unfortunately they didn’t have a delivery option so she made the trip to pick up her order. As she waited in line she took in the restaurant and patrons when her eyes landed on Jon Snow himself. For a moment she blanched and before she could turn or adjust herself to where he may not see her, their eyes caught and she knew she was now obligated to go say hello. 

Her feet pulled her towards his table and the closer she got she realized he was not alone but seated with a curly haired redhead. This must be his girlfriend, Ygritte. Great.

“Hey Jon.” she waved shortly and smiled at the two at the table. Ygritte was pretty. Though her smile was a little crooked, her figure was lithe and she couldn’t quite tell for sure since she was seated, Sansa guessed she was also short, well shorter than herself.

“Hey Sans.” Jon got up and gave her a quick side hug which surprised her. She got a whiff of his cologne and had to stop herself from breathing him in deeply. Jon introduced them to each other and they shook hands quickly.

“Stark huh? So you’re Robb’s little sister?” Sansa nodded her head. There’s something hard in Ygritte’s eyes and Sansa feels herself bristle under the look but brushes it off.

“Yeah, that’s me. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Ygritte nods and agrees. “I just wanted to say hi real quick before I picked up my order.” she waves her ticket as proof.

“Do you need help taking it to your car?” Jon asks helpfully. Sansa catches the look Ygritte throws him and Sansa shakes her head quickly. 

“Oh no, that’s okay. I got it. Um, it was good to see you, and it was nice meeting you.” she says to Ygritte. Ygritte nods shortly and gives her a strained smile.

Christmas comes and goes with nary a word from Catelyn herself. Sansa didn’t expect her mother to reach out but her younger brothers seemed to have hoped she would. It breaks Sansa’s heart to see them miss their mother, but Sansa is tired and doesn’t know how to heal that hurt in them, a hurt she had tried to shield them from in vain it seemed. 

To bring in the new year, their Aunt Lyanna and Uncle Benjen took the boys as well as Arya and Gendry to the city to see a firework event. There would be food, games, and fun but Sansa and Robb declined to attend. Instead Robb threw a party at their place to usher in the new year. 

Sansa knew Jon would be attending and couldn’t resist splurging on a new outfit. The top and jeans showed off enough to make someone look without revealing too much at the same time. After dressing she examined herself in the mirror and felt ridiculous. Was she always to be cursed in trying to seduce Jon when he was in a relationship? Sick with herself Sansa left the bathroom, her spirits low.

They continued to drop more and more as the evening passed. Jon and his girlfriend still had not arrived and the clock was ticking to midnight. Sansa was taking a shot with Dacey when she heard cheers and loud greetings from the front of the house. After a moment Robb, his friend Theon, and Jon walked in sans Ygritte.

They said their hello’s and when it was Sansa’s turn Jon opened his arms and the two finally gave a proper hug. It felt amazing to be held by him. His arms enveloping her were so warm, his scent woodsy and spicy and just Jon. Her arms snaked around his middle under his coat and for a moment she pretended this is how they had always been, always would be.

Through conversations and listening in she learned Ygritte didn’t feel well and couldn’t make it but insisted Jon attend the get together anyway. Sansa got the impression that wasn’t the entire story by how evasive he was when asked and how quickly he changed the subject.

With Jon around now it instantly lifted Sansa’s mood. Seeing him laughing and carefree reminded her of the better days years back when he had lived with them. It filled her with a strange nostalgia.

As they huddled together outside later around the fireworks Robb had brought to light as the clock struck midnight, Sansa found herself next to Jon. Cheers, hugs, and kissing erupted around them after they counted down and when she turned she found him already staring at her. They leaned in and Sansa hugged him tightly, not expecting anything more with Robb so near. When they pulled apart her necklace caught on his coat. Jon reached down to disentangle himself and examined what had linked the two of them.

It was the dragonfly charm that he had given her for her seventeenth birthday. Sansa saw the memory play out on his face as he rolled the charm between his fingers.

“You kept it?” he asked in wonder. Sansa nodded.

“Of course,” she breathed. Before she can examine the expression on his face, the moment is broken and Robb slams into them hugging them both close. He’s laughing and kissing their cheeks saying how glad they’re a family again and Dacey has to pull him off before they all help bring him back into the house.

The three of them say goodbye to the other party goers and stay behind to clean up a little. Dacey excuses herself to Robb’s room eventually and Sansa and Jon share a knowing look. 

“We’re always the ones left behind huh?” she says dryly as they throw trash and empty drinks in the sink.

Jon smiles and huffs, “It would seem so.” When they're done Sansa hops onto the counter and pours herself one final drink for the night. She offers one to Jon who accepts. They clink their glasses together before taking a sip. Jon’s phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket, checks the message quickly before putting it back in his pocket and throwing back his drink.

“Ygritte isn’t really sick, is she?” She ventures cautiously. Jon’s jaw clenches before shaking his head and looking anywhere but at her. “But you came anyway? She hates Robb that much?” she ribs at him, her knee pressing into his side. Jon looks up at her and all the teasing is gone from her at his expression. She's guessing it's not Robb who Ygritte dislikes.

He says nothing and everything at the same time. His eyes say what his lips don’t and Sansa feels her breath catch.

This time alcohol is no excuse for what happens next. Jon is between her legs in an instant, pulling her face down to his. Their lips crash together and it’s like they’re picking up where they left off all those years ago, another forbidden kiss except this time Sansa is not even tipsy and she’s pretty sure Jon has only been drinking club soda most of the night.

Before she loses her nerve she hops off the counter and drags Jon to her room in case Robb or Dacey come back and catch them dry humping in the kitchen.

Once the door is closed behind her and she hears the click of the lock, Jon is on her again, pulling, grabbing, tugging. She is just as insistent on him. 

Nothing else matters right now, no one else. It’s just Jon and Sansa. It has always been just them for her, ever since their first meeting, their first touch, their first kiss. 

In a flurry of pulling off their clothes, nervously laughing, Sansa finds herself laying on her back with Jon on top of her kissing her hungrily. She rakes her hands over his back and feels his muscles move beneath his skin. Her legs part for him instantly and he fits himself easily between them. His lips soon leave hers and he leaves open mouthed kisses from her face, to her neck, her chest, down her stomach until they reach where she is most hot for him. 

Slowly, he peels her underwear from her, and she adjusts herself by lifting her hips so she is fully bare to him. She’s breathing heavily, unable to believe this is happening. Her body and head feel heavy and light at the same time. He stares up at her through hooded eyes before kissing up her thigh and suddenly his mouth is on her. 

He steadies her movements by placing a palm flat on her hip to keep her still but she can’t help but writhe under his attention. 

It's too much too fast and Sansa feels herself coming apart for him, panting and moaning. She’d be embarrassed at the noises she was making if it didn’t feel so good. It happens again quickly and she is throwing her head back laughing and crying and mewling, her head turned into her pillow to keep some of the noise down. 

She feels Jon release her slowly before he kisses his way back up her body until he reaches her lips once again. Sansa can smell and taste herself on him, his beard wet with her release but it doesn’t faze her, she kisses him deeperl. 

When her hand starts to creep towards his jeans Jon’s hand encircles her wrist, stilling her. She looks up at him through her lashes, confused. His mouth is working, his eyes dark.

“Sansa..” the warning in his voice stops her cold and it feels like she is drenched in ice water. She stares at him a moment longer before she forces herself to speak, her throat dry, “Don’t you want…” the word hangs in the air between them unfinished. Me? She finishes in her head. Jon clenches his jaw and closes his eyes seemingly steeling himself. Sansa pulls her hand away and scrambles to pull her underwear on.

She is embarrassed, ashamed. She feels like that seventeen year old girl all over again after Jon left her on the couch wanting more. She is always wanting more. All that has changed now is that they are older but no wiser and for some reason he still doesn’t want her enough.

“You should leave.” she says coldly. Jon sits on the edge of the bed and puts his head between his hands before sitting up and wiping his face.

“Sansa, please-” he begins. She shakes her head. What could he possibly say that would soothe her hurt. No, he had to leave so she could lick her wounds in peace.

“Jon.. Just go.” He stands and pulls on his shirt, buttoning as quick as he can, his fingers fumbling over the buttons.

Tears are blurring Sansa’s vision and Jons form warps in her eyes as he pulls on his shoes. He pauses by the door, she feels him stand there, perhaps looking for something to say. She closes her eyes, tears escaping at last as he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

It takes the better part of the next couple of days for Sansa to leave her room. What happened between her and Jon left her in such a state that she hadn’t even showered knowing his scent would leave her skin. It defied all logic. She should be upset with him for embarrassing like he did, for using her again.

Her mind raced with the events of that night in her room. She had been prepared to go even further but he had stopped her, as if he had not just given her the most amazing orgasm she’d ever had. As if he hadn’t just crossed every line with her. Well, not every line.

She hated the fact that she was still left wanting him more than ever. It was stupid to think so romantically of him. They were obviously toxic, their behaviors would hurt so many people if anyone found out. Somehow she knows that Robb would not be okay with a relationship between them, and if it ever got back to her mother, well she can just imagine the smug vindictive look Catelyn would give her.

Sansa did not want to be this person, the other woman, but that is what Jon has made her. She had been the other woman since she was seventeen. Jon may have chosen her first for a moment last night but then his senses had caught up with him and he had crawled back to Ygritte. The thought turned her stomach. Did he confess what happened? Did she suspect anything? Sansa figured she would find out soon enough from Robb if any consequences came from her and Jons dalliance, but if something happened, it didn’t reach her ears.

One consequence that did come from their almost coupling, however, was Jon steadfastly avoiding Robb. It hurt to see Robb play off his confusion and perhaps hurt at Jon’s avoidance. He had no clue it was her fault. No clue it had always been her that kept Jon away. 

Instead of dealing with all her feelings over what happened, though, Sansa forced herself to move on and focus on school and deal with it in other ways. She took a page out of Robb’s book and began seeing a barrage of guys from school. If Robb didn’t approve, he kept his thoughts to himself. She was certainly more discreet than he had been in the past. 

It seemed they had changed roles. Dacey was now a constant presence at their place and Sansa found her a great buffer as not to face Robb over any issues he may have with her and the parade of guys she brought through their home. Sansa teased her that she had finally tamed the beast and Dacey simply smiled shyly before pushing at Sansa playfully. 

“He’s worried about you, you know?” They were eating oatmeal in the kitchen, Sansa pouring over one of her textbooks when Dacey brought up exactly what Sansa had suspected.

“Worried about what?” she asked acting as if she didn’t know what the other girl meant.

“Sansa, don’t do this. You know what I mean.” the older girl sighs and Sansa closes her book before shrugging.

“If he has something to say, he can come talk to me anytime. I’m literally always home.” her defenses were coming up, her tone sharp. She knew Dacey wasn’t coming for her, wasn’t judging her, but Sansa couldn’t help it.

“You’re right.” Sansa deflated slightly at Dacey's reply before getting up and rinsing off her bowl in the sink. 

“I’ve got class, I’ll see you later?” her tone was softer now. Dacey smiled in return and nodded. 

The next few months pass in a blur of school, work, and boys. Sansa is compelled to scratch the itch Jon has left her with and she is fucked every which way she can imagine. In her bed, in the living room, her car, their cars, their rooms, in parking lots, in parks, anywhere she can think. 

She slows down a little towards the end of the school year. She has finals and a graduation to get ready for and doesn’t have time for hookups. Instead she keeps only one guy on rotation, Jory Cassel. He’s a few years older than her, a TA at the college and Sansa’s favorite fwb. There’s something about the way he pushes and pulls her around in bed that gets her off. He’s also one of the few guys she’s been with that has never shown any jealousy or judged her for her extracurricular activities as she calls them at times. He’s also easy to laugh with and talk to. Later he will confess his true feelings to her and Sansa will break his heart, but neither knows this yet.

A few weeks after graduation she goes to dinner with her siblings, just the five of them to celebrate. Sansa feels a peace she hasn’t felt since she was a kid. It's soothing as she laughs at Bran's stories and shakes her head at Arya’s anecdotes. Eventually Dacey shows up towards the end of dinner and to her surprise so does Jon. Her breath leaves her when he comes in, the shock of seeing him is overwhelming and she feels displaced for a moment.

He comes around to give her a hug and congratulations and she stiffens at his touch. How she wishes she could melt into it, that their reality was different. But it’s not.

She plans on excusing herself early until she overhears Jon telling Robb that he and Ygritte have broken up. Sansa can’t help but study his demeanor as he reveals this. He is noticeably more disheveled than she remembers him being over the past few months he’s been back in her life. 

When everyone seems to be immersed in conversation Jon comes around the table and takes a seat next to her. He had been sending her covert looks since he had arrived.

“So.. what’s new?” he asks. The casualness of his tone her tugs at her heart, but not in a good way. A chill runs through her and she suddenly wishes to not be so close to him.

“Not much, just waiting for my grad school application to be accepted.” she says before taking a sip of her drink. 

“You’ll be accepted, you’re a smart girl.” Sansa scoffs into her drink.

“Not that smart apparently.” she says throwing him a look. Jon raises his brows, his eyes confused.

“What does that mean?” Sansa wonders if he’s being intentionally obtuse on purpose or if he actually doesn’t get the meaning behind her words. Just as she’s about speak again everything goes dark as someone has come up behind her and covered her eyes with their hands. A rough voice in her ear whispers, “Guess who?” Sansa knows instantly. 

“Jory!” she squeals before getting up and throwing her arms around him. Though she is genuinely happy and surprised to see him, she is not usually this loud and obvious when greeting him. Jory just squeezes her closer. 

He goes around saying hello to everyone and when he greets Jon he is met with a glare and a gruff, hey man, in the way of an introduction. 

But in true Jory fashion he simply smiles unfazed and takes the seat opposite Sansa so she turns her back to Jon in order to give Jory her full attention. 

It’s Arya who is the first to leave their gathering and as she is Bran and Rickon's ride, they leave with her. Robb then suggests they head back to their place but Jon declines. In the parking lot he says bye to everyone and when he gets to Sansa he pauses.

“It was good seeing you-." he starts. She cuts him off by giving him a short hug, "Thanks for coming." she says curtly giving him no room for more before turning and taking Jory’s hand, pulling him to her car. She couldn't help but look over her shoulder and found Jon standing in the same spot watching them go. 

That night, after her and Jory have finished in bed, he turns over and begins to doze but Sansa can’t seem to shut her mind off. Jon had looked absolutely wrecked earlier. She wanted it to feel good to try and hurt him in the way she had been hurt by him, but it didn’t, it made her feel worse if that was possible. She turned her head to the side and found Jory was indeed asleep. For a moment she watched the gentle rise and fall of his body in the blue dark and as she began to join him in sleep her mind playing tricks on her, his body seemed to take the shape of someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character Ages for Chapter Two
> 
> Catelyn - 35-38  
> Jon - 26  
> Robb - 20-23  
> Sansa - 19-22   
> Arya - 16-19  
> Bran - 14-16  
> Rickon - 11-14


	3. Chapter 3

Life is a series of starts and stops. There are beginnings and endings and when Sansa ends her undergrad education she feels like it’s just the beginning of starting a new educational journey. Time passes and nothing comes of her application except a big fat envelope that is full of words and information but the only one that sticks out is, Sorry.

She has been devastated in the past, this shouldn’t be such a hard blow, but it is. Her future had been riding on this acceptance and now it feels like everything is upended. Robb and Dacey try to console her. She still has a great foundation with her bachelors degree but it’s not enough. There are other options, other grad degrees she can apply for, but all the deadlines have passed for the next semester. 

She thanks them for their advice, for being there for her, but she just wants to be alone. Not even Jory’s presence is enough to get her out of her funk.

She gets a new office job for a company that installs floors. It’s not even remotely related to her degree, but it pays well so she takes it. 

It’s meant to be temporary but the years pass quickly. Before she knows it two years have gone by since she accepted the position. Robb is gearing up to get his doctorate, Arya is opening a business with her boyfriend Gendry, Bran is graduating high school and about to leave to study abroad. That just leaves Rickon who’s not having such a stellar year.

For a while Sansa thought they were all going to be okay. Yes they had trauma but they were dealing with it mostly, not in the healthiest of ways, but they were dealing. But Rickon, his way of dealing with it was beginning to take a toll.

He’d made contacts with some people who had other contacts and things had spiraled from there. First it was pills, then alcohol, then meth. 

Lyanna was trying her best, but Sansa knew it was taxing on her as well. They were supportive, pooled their money together to send him to the best rehab they could get him into and so far it seemed he was doing okay. 

When Catelyn had heard the news that her baby boy was in rehab, she had accosted Lyanna in her home blaming her for ruining her precious baby. The cops were called and Catelyn had spent the night in jail before being bailed out the next day by her newest boyfriend. 

The drama of it all made Sansa sick to her stomach. She stops drinking, even on occasion and takes up running instead. She hadn’t ever been too active before but it only feels like the physical things can take her mind off her problems, at least for a little while.

Around Robb’s twenty-fifth birthday he takes her out to eat after work. They do this often enough that she doesn’t think anything of it until he drops a bomb she had not been expecting.

“Dacey’s pregnant.” she chokes on her drink of water and he thumps her on the back, a look of guilty concern on his face.

Minutes pass and Sansa is at a loss for what to say. Congratulations? That didn’t seem right for some reason. She wasn’t aware Robb even wanted kids.

“So..” he says, expecting some sort of response. Sansa shrugs.

“Cool.” she says simply. She cuts into her steak and takes a bite. It’s overdone. Robb stares at her confused.

“Really?” he asks exasperated. Sansa continues to chew, the meat is like gum.

“What do you want me to say Robb? Congratulations?” 

“Why are you acting like this?” Sansa forcibly swallows the steak finally, it feels like it’s lodged in her chest.

“Like what?” she’s playing dumb, her attitude off the charts but she can’t seem to tone it down, doesn’t have the energy to act like she’s happy for him because the fact is, she’s not. Robb has never been one to skirt responsibilities. He stepped up and did what he had to to help Sansa and their siblings. She knows he will be there for Dacey no matter what, and by the sound of it, they're going to keep the baby. All of this means that Dacey will move in, or Robb will move out and they will move on in their life just like everyone else seems to be doing. 

It’s selfish and nasty, she knows this, but she’s jealous and a little hurt. It feels like abandonment.

At one point she had wanted to be a mother. She wanted the house with a white picket fence and the gaggle of children. She wanted it so she could show love to her kids in the way she had not been. But somewhere along the line, that dream had disappeared. Perhaps she had assumed the same for Robb. The realization that he didn’t threw her. She would make it up to him later, but at this moment, she is unsettled. 

The rest of the meal is awkward and forced. When Robb gets up to pay the check she bolts before they can give a proper goodbye. It’s mean, it’s fucked up, but she can’t take another second. 

It’s been almost a whole year since she’s had a drop of alcohol but the urge is too strong. She craves the burn of the liquid in her throat, the way it warms her belly and then slowly her blood. Before she can talk herself out of it she’s picked up her favorite vodka. She doesn’t bother to even drive out of the liquor store parking lot and drive somewhere else before she’s drinking from the bottle itself.

Sansa feels it at once. Relief. 

She’s had a quarter of the bottle when someone raps on her passenger window. Startled, the drink sloshes down her front. When she turns she finds Jon Snow himself looking in. He waves and points to the handle. Sansa sighs and unlocks the door.

She offers him the bottle wordlessly once he’s settled in and he takes it. 

The last time they saw each other was at the facility where Rickon was being treated. She’d gone for her weekly visit and was surprised to see Jon coming out. The thought of him still invested and caring for her family touches her deeply.

They’d had interactions over the course of the past couple of years just like that, always in passing, brief. For Sansa, she had nothing much to say to him, and if he had anything to say to her, he never tried.

“You okay?” he asks after taking a deep drink from the bottle. Sansa stares at the flashing open sign at the entrance of the store.

“Everyone's just moving along in life and I’m just… not.” God she sounded whiny and pathetic, even to her own ears, but she had to get it out. “Like, everyone I’ve gone to school with is traveling, or they’ve started amazing careers. Jeyne is having her third baby! Third!” she looks at Jon in indignation. “I still feel like a child sometimes, how is it possible she has three already.” Jon offers the bottle back to her and she takes it. Despite the chill outside, she’s starting to feel warm from the drink.

“Robb’s having a baby.” she says after a moment of silence. Jon grunts.

“Yeah, I heard.” Sansa turns to him and shakes her head.

“Of course he told you already.” she leans her head back on the head rest. “What did you think when he told you?” she asks.

“I thought… he’s going to be a great dad.” Sansa’s always been an emotional drinker and it’s no different this time. Her eyes glass over with tears, because Jon is right, Robb will make a great dad. She thinks of her father and what life would have been like if he had been around to see this day. Life would have been very different. Her throat burns, but not from the alcohol.

“You’re so right.” she replies thickly. 

She hears a rustling and then Jon’s hand is over hers squeezing gently. 

To make amends, Sansa buys Robb a baby blanket from the store the next time she’s shopping. She leaves it on his bed and when he comes home, she follows him quietly to his room. He’s holding the blanket and stroking the mink side before he notices Sansa in the doorway, his eyes are shiny. It’s all the apology he needs before they’re hugging.

Sansa never quite forgives herself for how she reacted initially to Robbs big news, so she takes it upon herself to go to the appointments he misses with Dacey and even throws them a baby shower in their backyard.

It is stressful and costly, but when she sees the joy on her brother’s and Dacey’s face, it’s all worth it.

“Damn, Sansa, you did all this yourself?” he asks as he prods the balloon arch for selfies and group pictures. Sansa shrugs.

“Youtube and Pinterest go very far these days.” Dacey wipes at her eyes and Sansa is afraid for a moment she hates it.

“It’s so beautiful, Sansa.” 

After their family and friends have arrived, everyone’s eaten, and the games are done, the happy couple sit under the balloon arch and begin opening gifts.

Sansa is sipping on a soda next to Arya and the thought occurs to her that Arya’s child would be around five years old right now.

“You okay?” Sansa asks, her arm wrapping around her sister. Arya, strong and stoic, her emotions never on her sleeve breathes in deeply.

“It’s weird. I can’t stop thinking about her lately.” Sansa turns to her sister.

“Her?” she asks softly, the group around them awe’s at the gender neutral onesie Dacey holds up.

“Yeah. I could only ever picture a girl.. After.,” she finishes, a hint of not regret but longing in her tone. Sansa squeezes her tighter, there are no words for that kind of ache. 

Sansa is inside refilling a sandwich platter to take back out when Jon rushes in from the front of the house, a gift bag in hand.

“You’re late,” she says playfully. Jon smiles. 

“Truck trouble.” he says in the way of an explanation. Sansa nods. He places the gift down the kitchen table.

“Do you need any help?” he offers. Sansa shakes her head.

“No it’s alright, everyone’s out back. I’ll be out in a sec.” he nods and pats her back as he passes. She closes her eyes at the contact. The want there as always. 

She finds Jon sitting alone helping himself to some finger sandwiches and cookies when she makes her way over. He’s surprised to see her but gives her that smile, the one that crinkles the corner of his eyes and lifts the edges of his lips but only slightly. He looks good.

“Robb looks happy.” he comments. Sansa looks over to where he’s posing for pictures with Dacey, hand on her belly protectively. 

“Right, it’s sickening.” she says jokingly. 

“He told me Dacey’s moving in.” Sansa nods slowly, aware of the situation. Dacey practically lives with them already and Sansa is highly aware it’s just a two bedroom house. They haven’t had the conversation yet, but she knows it's coming, it’s why she’s been looking up places for rent the past couple of weeks.

“I have room-” Jon begins the same time as Sansa says, “Do you know a place-” she closes her eyes confused.

“Wait, are you- do you want me to move in with you?” Jon looks at his plate and shrugs as if it’s not a big deal.

“Well.. yeah. I have an extra room. It wouldn’t be a problem.” Sansa stares at him uncomprehending. It's absurd. The whole thing. Her mind can not wrap around the concept. Jon looks at her and she sees the uncertainty in his eyes, can see how much this has cost him to offer. It sobers her. 

“I’ll.. think about it.” she says slowly. He nods. “Of course, no pressure.” 

A part of her knows her answer before she realizes it herself. 

Dacey officially moves in at 35 weeks, cutting it awfully close to the baby’s due date. Sansa, Jon, Robb, and some of Dacey’s family help with the move. That evening, when it’s just the four of them eating pizza Sansa announces she’s moving in with Jon.

Robb drops his pizza and Dacey smiles slyly, only Sansa seems to notice.

“That’s… weird.” Robb says finally. Sansa shrugs.

“I don’t think so, do you, Jon?” they turn to him and he shakes his head, playing along.

“Not really.” Robb looks between them and Sansa is suddenly afraid of announcing it like she did. She can see him putting things together in his head and for a moment she thinks he’s realized something but then it’s gone.

“Whatever, it’s fucking weird.” but he says nothing more about it, not even the next weekend when he helps move her into Jon’s house.

Dacey is helping fix Sansa’s bed when she puts in her two cents.

“It’s obvious isn't it?” she asks out of nowhere. Sansa is busy rummaging through a box. “What is?” she asks distractedly.

“You could have just taken my apartment.” Sansa drops whatever she’s holding and looks up at Dacey, a knowing glint in her eye. Sansa always knew Dacey was too smart to be with her brother. 

Word spreads later about Sansa’s party decorations and soon a friend of Dacey’s commissions her for another baby shower. Sansa agrees and from then on it seems she’s booked most weekends. 

Jon helps her transport all her creations to the events and helps bring them back. They spend so much time together working on her projects that Sansa can’t help but thaw to him, even though they have never spoken explicitly about their past. For Sansa, it’s always hanging in the air between them.

The day Dacey goes into labor, Jon and Sansa end up spending the night in the waiting room not wanting to miss the birth of Robb’s first child. Arya is on standby at her place, and Bran has told them to face time as soon as they know anything. 

At one point Sansa dozes off and wakes with a start only to realize she’s fallen asleep on Jon’s shoulder, his head resting against hers. She enjoys the feeling for a moment before she fully wakes up, Jon smiling sheepishly at her when he wakes up too.

When they’re finally allowed in the room as visitors Sansa is in instant tears at seeing Robb's child for the first time. 

"It's a boy." Dacey announces tiredly from the bed. She looks gorgeous, a happy but also exhausted look on her face. Sansa hugs and congratulates her before moving towards Robb. 

He passes her his son to hold for the first time and she can’t believe her brother helped make something so beautiful. 

“Hi baby.” she croons. 

“What’s his name?” asks Jon from over her shoulder, his arm reaching around her to stroke the baby’s hand with a finger. 

“Eddard Jon Stark.” Sansa looks up and gives Robb a watery smile.

“He's beautiful.” she looks over at Jon who looks stunned, his own eyes going glassy. He moves around Sansa and he shares a tight embrace with Robb. 

Arya arrives to meet her nephew first thing in the morning. Sansa is nervous about how her sister may react, but she is nothing but happy for their brother.

They’re getting coffee in the cafeteria when she asks Sansa how Jon’s place is.

“It’s good, a little weird being so far from town but I guess Jon makes up for it by cooking most nights which is such a relief because you know how I am. One of the first nights I tried making braised ribs and the fire alarm went off. Jon came down the stairs so fast and slipped halfway- Oh my god, his face-” Sansa catches herself and realizes how she must look to Arya right now. She can feel the smile on her face, almost see the sparkle in her eyes as she recalls the happy memory. Arya just stares. 

“I figured it was only a matter of time.” she says simply. Sansa doesn’t know what to say to that right away.

“What do you mean?” she settles on finally.

“I came home that night,” she says pointedly but when Sansa’s expressions does not change she continues, “the night of your birthday, when Jon was dating mom? I saw you kiss.”

Sansa feels her stomach drop, her heart thudding painfully in her chest. Arya takes a sip of her coffee and scans the room casually before turning back to Sansa.  
“We didn’t- it was just-” Arya stops her.

“Sansa, stop. I saw you kiss him.” Sansa knows it's futile to lie. Arya has always been able to see right through them.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asks eventually. Arya takes a deep breath.

“I almost did, at first. I was going to tell mom. She already suspected something was going on with you two anyway, she would have believed me but.. I couldn’t. I was afraid she'd put Jon in jail or something.” Sansa’s breathing is shallow as she listens to her sister. “I wasn’t sure if you had done more than that either..” Sansa shakes her head.

“No.. it was just that kiss the once.” her voice is small. It feels weird to be revealing all this, to Arya no less. Her sister relaxes slightly, glad to have been right in her assumption. 

“He didn’t really love mom, you know. He just stuck around for us.” she says after a moment. 

“How do you know?” 

“He told me. We got really drunk my graduation night and I joked with him that if he tried to kiss me I would punch him. He told me all sorts of things.” Sansa’s eyes go wide.

“Wait a minute, he knows you know?” she whisper yells. Arya nods like it’s not a big deal.

“Yupp.” Sansa is floored. All this time she had imagined that Arya would hate her for what had happened all those years ago, that she would blame Sansa for Jon leaving.

“You don’t… hate me?” her voice is small when she asks. 

“No, in fact, I think it was a good thing. Mom didn’t deserve him.” Sansa nods, her mind a million miles away.

“Does Robb know?” she asks and Arya scoffs.

“Fuck no, he’d kill Jon.” Sansa sighs and puts her head down on the table, banging it softly. 

“You two… are you?” Arya asks timidly. Sansa shakes her head no against the cool table. “Could’ve fooled me.” Arya adds.

Sansa thinks about her conversation with Arya the next few weeks off and on. She tries to see her relationship with Jon from an outside perspective and she guesses if someone knew what Arya did, that they might look like a couple. They did almost everything together. They went grocery shopping, out to eat, drove each other to events and family functions. How had she not seen it before? But the real question was, did Jon see it too?

She realizes he hasn’t talked about any girls or mentioned going on any dates. Sansa hadn’t wanted to know, but she was sure she would have noticed and the fact that she would have says a lot about her as well. It showed how much she paid attention to Jon and his coming and goings. 

Her mind runs wild with everything they have gone through. He’s been a part of her life for so long, almost ten years and though they’ve kept their distance at times, she knows him. She knows him on a level different than her siblings do. 

She can’t stop thinking about it that it begins to affect whatever relationship they have cultivated. Everything has new meaning to her now no matter how little. Her favorite flowers in vases around the house. Her favorite snacks popping up when they run out and she hasn’t had time to restock. Waking up covered in a blanket when she dozes on the couch. Her mind works overtime and she can’t help but wonder if she should bring it up.

One evening, after dinner and a few glasses of liquid courage, she broaches the topic.

“Jon?” she says from her spot on the couch, he’s on the opposite end with his laptop staring intently at the screen. 

“Hmm?” he offers back, unaware of where this conversation is heading. 

“Are you… dating anyone?” she asks. She’s pretty sure of his answer but braces herself in case she is wrong. He laughs to himself.

“Not even a little bit.” Sansa is relieved at his reply and before she continues Jon turns to her, “Why? Are you?” he asks and because Sansa is paying attention she can see the forced casualness in which he asks, hope sparks in her.

“Nope. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone since-” she thinks for a moment and Jory’s face comes to her mind, guilt tinged at the edges of her memory of him. 

“That Cassel guy?” he asks and Sansa smiles ruefully at him. 

“Jory,” she supplies, “and yeah, he’s the last guy I… dated.” she begins playing with the ends of her blanket. She sees Jon close his laptop and place it on the coffee table.

“I never got the full story. Why’d you guys break up?” Sansa can tell he’s trying to be nice, he doesn’t really want to know, and honestly she doesn’t really want to tell him, but it’s important for him to know. 

She remembers Jory facing her in bed, playing with the ends of her hair and then his confession that he wanted to be more than just “buddies” and Sansa had laughed at him. It was cruel, but Sansa had not been ready for that then and the idea felt absurd. Everything had just gone down with putting Rickon into rehab and then her mom attacking her aunt. She had only wanted to have some comfort sex that night, not jump into a full fledged relationship. 

Jory had been hurt and when Sansa tried to console him he had stood up abruptly and began throwing insults at her. He called her things she never thought he would. Whore, slut, broken, damaged. He then accused her about being hung up on Jon. How he had come to the conclusion she would never know because he left so quickly after and blocked her from his life. 

“He thought we were messing around behind his back.” she supplies. Jon shakes his head.

“What? Really?” Sansa nods, still fidgeting with the blanket. 

“That’s… crazy.” he voices. Sansa is irked at his response.

“Is it?” she queries back with a little bite in her tone. She glances up at Jon who is looking at her curiously. She can see the moment he realizes where this conversation is headed.

“Sansa.. I don’t think-,” he begins cautiously. 

“I just think it’s funny how you can kiss me, eat me out and then pretend none of it ever happened.” Jon closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. Sansa feels her body heat in mortification at finally speaking out about the things they’ve done.

“Sansa please-” he starts but she won’t let him continue otherwise she’ll lose control over the conversation. She stands up, adrenaline fueling her to finally have this exchange.

“No, Jon, you need to listen to ME.. please.” and it’s a plea, a plea for him to hear her, for him to finally know her side. No more pretending, no more games, no more ignoring what has been between them for almost ten years.

“I want to know why you kissed me,” Jon looks up at her, his eyes giving her that sad regard he often has, the corners of his mouth turned down, but she continues, “and not just that night on my birthday, but New Years night too.” she can feel herself vibrating, almost unable to believe they’re finally doing this.

“Sansa… don’t.” he gets up and she feels his walls coming up, can feel the push he’s giving her but she’s not going to accept it, she refuses. Her hand reaches out and grabs his forearm and holds fast, tugging him with enough force that he turns to look at her, a look of consternation on his face. This close, she can see him breathing hard now. 

“No! You can’t ignore me about this anymore. I need to know. Can’t you talk to me about this? Can we finally get past-,” she lets him go and gestures between them, “-whatever this is.” Jon says nothing and she is growing angry now, frustrated that he is so unyielding. 

“You kissed me and gave me this stupid charm,” she pulls at the necklace around her neck, “then we almost have sex on New Years night! Tell me that it means something!” she’s on the verge of sounding hysterical, but she doesn’t care. She’s tired of holding all this in. “Tell me you wanted to fuck me.” She can see Jon’s pulse jump in his neck, sees the way his eyes take her in, sees the way his lips part slowly. 

Fuck it.

She leaps forward and presses her body and mouth to his. He takes her easily in his arms and kisses her fervently. In her mind she is leaping for joy to finally kiss him again to be in his arms again. This time there is no one else to worry about. He is free of any obligation to anyone as well as she. There is no guilt on the edge of their kiss, no one to apologize to.

Sansa begins to pull at her clothes, itching to be closer to him, and that’s when she feels the change in him, he pulls back and she’s screaming NO! In her mind.

“Sansa stop, please. I can’t go there with you.” he says through clenched teeth. She can see how much effort he’s putting into controlling himself.

“What are you talking about?” she asks in lusty confusion and attempts to capture his lips again but he pushes her back with force, with anger. 

“Don’t you see how fucked up this is? How fucked up I am?” he shouts. Sansa jumps at the volume of his voice and she widens her eyes. He holds up his hands in apology then puts a hand to his face, and shouts fuck as he turns away from her. She stands there still slightly shocked when he turns back. 

“Sansa, you were sixteen years old when I moved in, you were a fucking kid and I… I-,” it seems the words are stuck in his throat. Sansa feels like it’s hard to swallow. 

“You what?” she manages to choke out.

His eyes are ablaze.

“I wanted you.. I wanted you so fucking bad. I saw you in the way I shouldn’t have and I tried, I tried so hard not to. I didn’t want… it wasn’t.. It wasn't just your body, but you. You were so smart and kind. You took care of your siblings when you didn't have to. The way you loved them.. I hoped, I wanted... God it’s so fucked up.” Sansa hears his breathing has become erratic and sees the pain on his face. It pierces her heart.

“You were just a kid.” He whispers to himself almost, looking away from her.

“But I wasn’t.” she says. “I had responsibilities no one else had at my age.” Jon shakes his head, still not looking at her, “Jon, stop. Stop! Look at me!’ He’s turned his head away from her and she reaches out again and pulls at his arms and then finally his face with her hands.

“You didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want. It was just a kiss.” This close she can see that Jons crying now.

“I was still wrong. It was still wrong.”

“It was almost ten years ago, Jon. I've never… I don't blame you for anything, I wanted it, i wanted you.” Jon shakes his head, keeps his head down to avoid her eyes.

“It doesn’t change anything… whatever we’ve done since then is..it’s-” he shakes his head. She thinks she understands what he means but stays silent so he can finish his thoughts. “I feel like.. Whatever we have done since, it’s been because of how I.. influenced you, like I made you want me or something and I.. I want to be with you.” The confession has her reeling, her head light. “But it’s.. It’s stained with that kiss because I should have known better. You were young and impressionable so it-” she stops him.

“Do you really think you have that much power over me?” (He does but he doesn't need to know that.) She asks, letting him go, he still doesn’t look at her. “If anything fucked me up at that age, it was the fact that you left.” his breathing is evening out, his eyes boring into her. “When you left things were so.. . Mom was, out of her mind all over again, and not because of you, she’d been out of her mind before that. But maybe it could have.. Would’ve been better if I hadn’t .. we hadn’t-.” she’s suddenly unsure of where her train of thought is headed. She shakes her head, clearing them.

“If it hadn’t happened then, it would have happened eventually.” she says. They would have fought and denied and tried not to act on how they felt until they couldn’t. It wasn’t right, it was honestly really messed up, but it was the truth.

She moves closer to him, slowly, as if he’s a wounded animal ready to bolt and in a way he is, they both are. All the things that have happened, the things they’ve done to each other, none of it is gone, it's all there, clawing at them beneath their skin.

“So what if what started between us happened when I was sixteen? We can’t change it, it’ll always be there, part of us. It’s not a fairy-tale, but it’s not our whole story either… I know we’ve said and done some fucked up things to each other but it's still you.. It’s still me. I want this. I want you.” She can see Jon’s anger at himself, his resolve to hold onto keeping himself away from her crumbling.

“Do you love me?” she asks as bravely as she can, knowing she’s about to expose herself more than ever, knowing she’s risking this part of herself that she has kept close for so long. Jon swallows, he half blinks.

“More than anything,” he says with a shaky breath. Sansa exhales and feels vindicated. She falls into him, his arms going around her, his lips on her forehead and she feels his tears falling into her hair, sliding down her cheeks to mix with her own.

“Then that’s all that matters because I- I love you too.” he holds her tighter and it’s so scary and freeing to finally say the words, to finally have all their cards on the table. It’s gonna take work, it's going to be hard. But if he wants it and she wants it, then it’ll be worth it. It has to be worth it.

After so many starts and stops in her life, some good some bad, this one feels like the best beginning yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Three Character Ages
> 
> Jon - 28  
> Robb - 25  
> Sansa - 24  
> Arya - 21  
> Bran - 19  
> Rickon 16


End file.
